


Thoughts

by thisismydesign (orphan_account)



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-19 23:53:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4765700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/thisismydesign
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I know while though right now he isn’t alright, he will be alright, I’ll make sure he is alright, and I’ll never leave him.” Chris reflects on his relationship with Josh through the years, and Josh’s battle with mental illness.<br/>(AU: Where Hannah does not run into the forest and the events at the lodge do not happen.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thoughts

I couldn’t really pinpoint quite when it all started to happen. The changes in Josh’s personality always seemed to be so subtle at first, that if someone had asked me then if something was wrong I would have told them that there couldn’t be. Josh was always the most social one out of us, he always was the first to crack the jokes, first the laugh, to smile. I couldn’t have had any idea what was going on. 

_It’s okay, Chris. I understand what this must feel like..._

The safety net of our parent’s home, money, and support seemed to dwindle away beneath us after we went off the college. We declared ourselves adults as we scrapped the bottom of the barrel to get by- only calling our folks when we needed some money. Of course we went to the same university. How couldn’t we have? Josh focused on sociology and civics while I drifted through my general classes with no real idea of what I wanted to do. We shared a dorm freshmen year, then an apartment sophomore year. High school sweethearts supporting one another through college.  

I don’t know how I could have been so blind. Looking back it was obvious. I knew Josh. I knew about Josh. I loved Josh. I _love_ Josh. I should have known. 

Things began to crumble apart between us. I could only have chalked it down to the stress of classes and the uncertainty of our future. Josh became short with me, bitter to be around, easy to set off. We constantly fought, and when we weren’t fighting there was resentment in the air. Maybe we were holding onto some childish love that couldn’t be sustained in the adult world?

_I’m sorry. I don’t mean to do this to you..._

His illness wasn’t a secret. I had known about it since middle school when he sheepishly told me that he didn’t feel normal and that sometimes he took medicine to feel better. I didn’t understand at first. I was young, the reality of mental illness didn’t register with me. ‘I get sad too,’ I had told him then, shrugging it off as if it wasn’t any real big issue. ‘No,’ he had replied, ‘not like that.’ He didn’t elaborate back then. I didn’t ask. It wasn’t talked about again for years. 

In high school was when I found out that there was something seriously the matter with my best friend, or rather, my new boyfriend. ‘I just don’t feel like I’m cut out for this,’ he confessed to me one afternoon. I had just gotten my license and because I didn’t have my own car, Josh was letting me drive his around. He sat beside me in the passenger seat. I wasn’t entirely sure what he had meant. ‘Like I know what I’m suppose to do, but I don’t feel like I’m fit for it. Everyone seems to have themselves so much more together. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t want to do this anymore...’

That night he had spent the night at my house. For now, we decided to make keep our relationship a secret. We weren’t ready to be open about how close we really were. After the conversation in the car I had demanded he stay with me. I was scared. No one had ever told me they wanted to die before. I didn’t know what to do. That evening Josh showed me his scars. I held him all night. 

_You shouldn’t have to put up with this..._

Back then, I didn’t tell anyone about what Josh had confessed to me. I didn’t tell anyone about the harm he did to himself. I didn’t tell anyone about how afraid I was for my boyfriend. I loved Josh with every fiber of my being and I wanted to protect him. All of his secrets were my secrets and I swore to guard them. ‘Please, _please_ Josh, call me if you ever feel like you need to hurt yourself,’ I recall begging him once. ‘Promise me you’ll come to me. _Promise_ me, Josh.’ 

I made him promise. Then I made him swear. He kissed my cheek, which were hot with tears. When did I start crying? ‘I love you, Christopher.’ ‘I love you, Joshua.’ 

_You shouldn’t have to put up with me..._

It was suppose to just be a party. Eight of our close friends and ourselves up in the Washington’s winter cabin celebrating high school being behind us and the rest of our lives in front of us. We had all been accepted into universities and most of us weren’t staying in California. We all knew that this was going to be the last official time we would get to be around one another and we planned on taking advantage of it. 

I can’t remember who supplied the alcohol. I do remember there being a lot of it. I remember how drinking it made me feel warm up in those snowy mountains, and how it made my head fuzzy, my legs heavy, and everything that came out of Josh’s mouth hilarious. ‘Can you imagine a more perfect, ripe scenario, just dripping with erotic possibilities?’ Josh had asked me earlier that day. 

We were pressed up against one another. We were so tipsy that standing still had been a major task. I didn’t remember where everyone had went, or when they had left, just that it was only Josh and I left in the lounge. ‘I’m going to take you to the bone zone,’ his drunken words slurred against my lips. ‘You’re an idiot,’ I snorted with laughter. It wasn’t the least bit romantic, but it was every bit Josh, and I loved Josh so everything was perfect. We lost our virginity to one another that night and-- _oh god_ , _Josh_ I had probably moaned loud enough for the rest of the household to hear. ‘I love you, I love you, I love you, I love...” he had gasped against my skin, chanted into my ear, whispered to me. 

_I can’t be helped..._

‘Do you love me?’ I had asked him once. I don’t usually ask these sorts of things and I’m sure it had to have caught him off guard. I thought I had knew the answer, but I wanted-- no I _needed_ \-- to hear him say it. Josh had looked up form his computer to give me a weird look. I could tell there was a layer of anger, but also sadness under his expression. ‘I’ve never stopped loving you,’ was all he told me, which had been more than enough. 

We loved each other, even if we were wearing thin. Even if we fought constantly. Even if we could no longer agree on anything. We loved each other even when it got really bad and Josh became so frustrated he couldn’t speak to me. When he would hit himself for not being able to express what he wanted to say. We loved each other when I slept on the couch and could hear him in the bedroom, murmuring to himself, crying, and my chest ached from his pain. We loved each other when we avoided each other’s gaze. We loved each other even when we didn’t spend nearly enough time together as we use to. When he would distance himself from me and lock himself in our bedroom. We loved each other. 

“It’s okay, Chris. I understand what this must feel like,” Josh mumbled. He currently laid on a hospital bed. He sounded so drowsy and weak. I looked at him with red, puffy eyes. I hadn’t stopped crying since we got here. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to do this to you. You shouldn’t have to put up with this. You shouldn’t have to put up with me. I can’t be helped.” 

I shake my head, trying to find the words I want to say to him. Thousands of thoughts come to me all at once and I try to think of all the ways I can tell them to him. My breath his shaking, I gape before settling with saying nothing at all, and simply grabbing his hand to hold it. I’ve already called his parents, Beth, and Hannah. I told them all what had happened. How I found Josh. How I called 911. How I followed the ambulance to the hospital. I was sure they were on the next plane out here. I grip his hand tighter as a sob wracks my body. 

I use my free hand to wipe my face as I try to gather myself together. It takes a moment before I can stand up and lean in close enough to give him a gentle hug. I want to hold him against my body, I want to never let him go. I kiss his brow, then his cheek, then his forehead. 

I know while though right now he isn’t alright, he will be alright, I’ll make sure he is alright, and I’ll never leave him. 

“I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> First fanfic I have written in a long time and the first one for this fandom. Feel free to give me request at my tumblr: butwhereismatt


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